- “Your grandmother is 78-years-old. SEVENTY. EIGHT. She doesn’t have that much time left, and she wants to do some weed before she dies. Grow a pair and find her some weed. Also, I don’t want to drive her home afterward, so rent a car.”
- “Oh my god, did you hear about Whitney Houston? This is why we take showers, Jeremy. You can’t drown in a shower. Unless you’re stupid, in which case . . . you kinda deserve it.”
- “If I want to wear high heels to my nana’s funeral, I get to wear high heels to my nana’s funeral.”
- (Immediately after her heels get caught in the mud, and she falls into Nana’s open grave) “I should not have worn high heels to Nana’s funeral.”
- “You know what’s better than wrapping a Christmas present? Wrapping a Christmas present using saran wrap, Froot Loops, hockey tape, shot glasses, gimp and a cracker. Also a towel.”
- “Did you know you were conceived to Madonna’s ‘Vogue’? It explains a lot about the way you turned out.”
- “Every mattress is queen-sized when you’re gay.”
- “Drag queens are like poppers: most straight people have heard of them, but not a single straight knows what they do.”
- “Every movie about a dog will inevitably end with the dog dying, unless the dog can play a sport. Like basketball. Or polo.”
- “I want an iPad for my birthday. Four of you came out of my bing-bang and it hasn’t been the same ever since. You owe me an iPad.”
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