Keep your wig on

Aloha, beauty slaves! Did you miss me? You know I missed you, I sincerely did.

I would plant a big kiss on all of your cute little button noses if only I could. Perhaps I shall see you at the monthly fetish party? The Body Perve Social Club brings you these fabulous evenings, the last Saturday of every month, downstairs at the Lotus. Be there and maybe Mistress Rosamond, the pope of pompadours, will let you kiss the ring.

Well, before you get all over stimulated, let’s get down to business. We’ve got exciting image enhancement ground to cover. I feel a passionate desire to share my infinite wisdom with you once again. What’s that? Oh, you’re welcome of course.

Now, last time we covered care and maintenance of your fabulous natural locks. I trust that all of you took copious reams of notes and are hanging on my every word. Some beauty devotees have been known to frame my columns and place them in a small candle-lit altar in their boudoirs.

I think, my dears, that this is a lovely gesture. It is however probably much more efficient for you to commit all my advice to memory. Whichever way you might choose to go is up to you of course.

Girls, I have been seeing some tragic wigs lately. What on earth are they thinking? Getting out of bed in the morning and draping any old dead muskrat on your head is simply not done.

Caring for your wig is as important as caring for your own fantastic follicles. Wigs are people too, you know. I cannot emphasize this enough. Your total glamour look begins with your crowning glory.

The first thing to know about your synthetic wig is that you simply cannot wash her carelessly. No more of this dropping Ms Wig into the toilet bowl, flushing once and considering it a proper washing. Non, non, très non. Sacre bleu! You must treat Wig as tenderly as you would your own tremendous tresses; out of the bowl de toilette, and into a lovely glass dish of tepid water.

Before you immerse your Wiggie, brush all the crap out of it, darling. By crap I mean of course all your old hair spray, styling products and cigarette butts.

Now, if you are paying any attention at all, you will have noticed that I said tepid water; cool even. This is because hot water will very often remove the curl, and we can’t have that.

It is important to use a mild shampoo for your Ms Wig. Perhaps you have friends who are breeders. You can simply pop over to their house on some trumped up pretense, and help yourself to a dollop of their baby shampoo. They won’t mind, believe me. They are far too busy with worrying about daycare and diaperish kinds of things.

Once you have obtained the correct gentle shampoo, massage the suds through the hair and the cup of Wiglet. Yes, it is called a cup.

Perhaps we could all just get our minds out of that little underpanty, athletic gutter for a second or two. Not for too long, of course.

Make sure all traces of pancakes and makeup are removed from the cup area around the front. I know how those pancakes can be sticky devils, what with the syrup and all.

Now rinse, Pebbles. Rinse until all evidence of soap is banished to Peoria, and the rinse water is clear.

Gently squeeze. Oh, umm, yes, yes! Oh dear, excuse me. I got distracted for a moment there; so sorry.

The point is not to wring, twist or otherwise mangle Wig. She doesn’t care for it. Blot her dry with a towel and then place her on a towel to dry, preferably with the cup turned out for the first few hours of drying time.

Do not put Wig on the stand to dry. This would stretch her base and change the fit. Hang to dry, if you must.

As any pea brain knows, synthetic wigs are already styled. This makes it all so much simpler for us. Once Ms Wiggly is dry, you can just spray lightly with your wig hair spray. Then it is merely a matter of setting her on the wig stand and teasing as necessary. You could for example say things to her like, “You’ve been a very naughty little wig, haven’t you? Ooh, what I could do to you later.”

This should keep her style quite erect and perky.

If Wig is pouting and losing her curl, you may re-style with hot rollers. Your curl may not be quite as bon vivant, but it will certainly get your point across.

And now, my dears, I must be off to the Kink Klinic. Ah, stop it. Wipe away those tears. You know that even Mistress Ros needs her slumber de beauty. I kiss your ears, lightly spank your naughty bum and leave you begging for more.

Don’t miss my next pearls of wisdom. They are all about caring for that human hair wig. Très thrilling, non?