The Queen James Bible

If you ever want to get free headlines in the press, a surefire way to do so is by “translating” the Bible into a new language. Thus far, the Bible has been translated into Lolcat speech, ebonics and Australian slang, because you’ve never truly captured the majesty of the Bible until you’ve switched out every instance of the word “man” to “homie.” (I’m not even kidding — that’s a thing.)

So what’s the latest cultural stab at making a 2,000-year-old book relevant? The Queen James Bible, a version of the Testaments that switches around passages to appeal to today’s modern, religious homosexual! Once again: I’m not even kidding. THIS IS A THING. Some choice passages from Buzzfeed:

1. Genesis 19:5

KJV: And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

QJV: And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may rape and humiliate them. (Page 21)

2. Leviticus 18:22

KJV: Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination.

QJV: Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind in the temple of Molech: it is an abomination. (Page 75)

3. Leviticus 20:13

KJV: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

QJV: If a man also lie with mankind in the temple of Molech, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. (Page 76)

So basically, gay sex isn’t “murder” bad, but only as long as you don’t do it in certain places. Thanks, Queen James Bible!

The sad part is, if you took the book as a whole, there are some passages that make sense, like loving your neighbour and respecting people. Unfortunately, this kind of seems like a slightly reworded cop-out that keeps in all the parts of the Bible that don’t really hold up today, but they adjust the semantics ever so slightly so that they can downgrade their crazy from “BATSHIT INSANE” to “NUT-FUCKS McGEE.” Thanks for completely misunderstanding the basic appeal of religion, dumb-dumbs!