Obama will sex up your children

Anyone watching the US presidential campaign knew it was going to get real ugly real soon and, right on schedule, here’s the latest Republican attack ad:

Sounds terrifying unless, of course, you actually read the bill Obama voted for (can a single vote be called an “achievement”?). Turns out that the bill in question was for medically factual, “age-appropriate” education stressing abstinence and helping kids defend themselves from sexually transmitted diseases and sexual predators (like, for instance, Republican Mark Foley!). Facts just take all the fun out of politics, don’t they?

Besides, John McCain’s got his own family drama to worry about: PFLAG will protest this Saturday’s “ex-gay” conference at VP-nominee Sarah Palin’s Alaskan church. Will McCain and/or Palin denounce the hateful symposium or will he completely get his Jesus-freak on, as “Psycho”-namesake Tony Perkins insists? Fun just takes all the facts out of politics, doesn’t it?

If you need your protest to be a little sexier, why not boycott Subway for firing porn star Kurt Wild? At least porn stars pull on the latex before they start handling meat! They really know how to serve a hero! They’ve always got a foot-long! Wait, where are you going? I’ve got a million of these!

But who knows? If something goes wrong at CERN today, none of us will around to protest. The world’s largest particle physics research centre is switching on its Large Hadron Collider, a “Big Bang machine” that will smash protons together at just under the speed of light, hoping to recreate the conditions at the beginning of the universe or, as critics fear, create black holes that will devour the earth. Oops! To commemorate this massive experiment, BBC Radio 4 has a whole day of CERN chatter, including a special episode of “Torchwood” that will, in a few weeks, seem quaintly silly or terrifyingly prescient!


But most important — more than presidential elections, homophobia or the destruction of the earth — is the debut of the new iPod nanos! They’re like a rainbow flag and I need the purple one!!!

A former editor of the late, lamented fab magazine, Scott has been writing for Xtra since 2007 on a variety of topics in news pieces, interviews, blogs, reviews and humour pieces. He lives on the Danforth with his boyfriend of 12 years, a manic Jack Russell Terrier, a well-stocked mini-bar and a shelf of toy Daleks.

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