BY ROB SALERNO – Straight guys. Lately, they’re everywhere. Hosting the Oscars, making a run for the White House, even allowing gay dudes to suck them off in unconvincing gay porn (NSFW). But is their sudden ubiquity only setting us up for the next step in their radical heterosexual agenda? An agenda that would drastically change the established norms that restrict sexual relationships to two or more human people who are deeply in love/drunk? 
Just look at this latest disturbing study from Brazil:
“Sex with animals may be tied to risk of penile cancer, study shows.”
Brazilian researchers compared a sample of 118 penile cancer patients with a control sample of 374 healthy men and found that 44.9 percent of men in the cancer group had had sex with animals, while only 31.6 percent in the control group had had sex with animals.
While I applaud the Brazilian researchers for finally finding a reason for straight people to stop having sex with horsies and sheep, I can’t help but be alarmed that the study finds that in the general population of Brazilian heterosexual men, almost one-third report regularly having sex with animals.
Statistically speaking, at least three of these men have had sex with an animal.
And what kinds of animals? According to the study, the most popular animals for these men to have sex with were mares (female horses), donkeys, mules, goats, chickens, calves (baby cows!), cows, dogs, sheep and pigs.
Sure, you may think heterosexual men are harmless, but consider this: every time you see three heterosexual men walking down the street, chilling in a pub, bearing gifts to a messiah, or raising a baby in a movie franchise, statistically speaking, at least one of them has had their genitals inside a four-legged creature.
To be fair, there wasn’t a lot for shepherds to do 2,000 years ago in Palestine, and the nights get so cold.
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