What’s Patrick Bateman doing in my porn?

While I write this column, I’m staying in a hotel. So of course I can’t resist ordering some porn to my TV, despite the outrageous cost. I’m checking out some title called Slide (from Jet Set Men) directed by Chris Steele. Frankly from him I expect better than this endless sequence of not-very-sexy guys (okay, a couple of exceptions) screwing around. I suddenly clue in to the fact that one of the performer’s names is Patrick Bateman. Patrick Bateman? Isn’t that the name of the serial killer at the centre of American Psycho? Why yes, it is.

I love Bret Easton Ellis’s book (the movie sucks) but I’m not sure that I want to be reminded of a character who takes eating cunt literally (not to mention jamming pussy into a bank machine) when I’m trying to keep my dick hard. Maybe it’s meant to be a reference to Christian Bale? You know how pornstars occasionally reference Hollywood (remember ’80s star and Superman lookalike Joe Reeve?). But if that’s the case, this kid has a lot of situps to get under his belt. Oh, and he should overact more.

Meanwhile, I was going to tell some long story that explained why I don’t spend much time on Xtube but then I realized I can boil it all down to this: I’m a porn snob. I want high production values, I want editing that makes sense, I want really rude closeups. And yes, I want pretty-boy models with perfect tan lines, crooked smiles, pretty pink buttholes. So shoot me.

Still, Xtube has its usefulness, though I don’t have room to go on about it much here. Let’s just say you can find others who share your niche fetish and leave it at that. On that note, let me come clean and say that I take immense pleasure and amusement in the endless stream of videos of men of all shapes, sizes, colours and walks of life who get off on pissing in their jeans for the camera. (Interestingly, there’s a subset of watersports aficionados who wet their underwear. This is less interesting to me for reasons I cannot explain.)

Still, despite this parade of pee, I’m more interested in getting my hands on a couple of movies featuring not only piss, but good lighting. One, entitled Kings of Piss (Jalif), has just come available on my VOD service. The other, Piss Off (Raging Stallion) features the likes of Steve Cruz, Damien Crosse and François Sagat raining down golden showers. It’s like Christmas!