Releasing my ghetto courtesan

I have always been a hopeless romantic. I dream of making sweet love to the same wonderful woman for a lifetime, having precious children with her as an extension of our commitment, doing my best to ensure we all live happily ever after. Though I am very queer in spirit I feel very old school about what I’m looking for in a partner.

The year past was a tumultuous one for me. I spent the first few months of 2008 wrestling with depression and feeling terribly achy and lonely and lost in my own thoughts. As I tried to figure out a way to mend my broken heart from a winding trail of disappointing breakups writing became an outlet for both sanity and humanity.

Sometimes when we’re in pain time seems more our enemy than our friend. But as the season changed to spring (as it’s sure to do again any minute now, have faith) and then a rejuvenating summer I realized I needed to let go of the past. I never want to become bitter about the way I’ve felt for lovers in the past — at the time it special to me. But I realized it was time to shake myself off and go forward with the mindset of a single lady who deserves it all.

I’ve finally learned to set some boundaries and limits to what I offer to those who want to be a part of my life. I am a giver, a nurturer, and if I keep giving without expecting what I need in return, I’m afraid I’ll grow cold and bitter. In the past women I’ve dated have taken advantage of my devotion. I must avoid getting myself into situations like that again and spare myself a lot of grief.

Armed with my newfound optimism I am determined to get back out there and brave the dating scene. Though it’s unlikely that anyone would describe me as shy I have always been very passive when it comes to meeting other women. Today my self-confidence is definitely boosted by adopting an overall healthier lifestyle. I have lost about 60 pounds and I try to keep my mind active with positive thoughts.

In addition to being tentative about approaching women I’ve also felt like a bit of an anomaly within the lesbian community — invisible, if you will. There aren’t many other East Indian dykes on the scene. Plus I don’t play into the culture of femme versus butch expression, I simply dress in a style that makes me feel comfortable. Does that make it more difficult for women to approach me?

When I was younger I tried to find ways to feel more comfortable in the scene. I sought racially mixed pockets of women who weren’t so defined by playing gender roles. These days I am determined to be myself no matter where I am, realizing that I have a rare queer face in our diverse city.

So here I am, PP version two point zero zero nine. I am a single lady and this year I am going to have fun until a woman who can really appreciate and challenge me comes along. I am teaching this old girl some new tricks.

I am trying to learn how to approach women without expectations. I figure if we do not hit it off in a romantic capacity, we could perhaps become friends or even make naughty for the sake of good times. Sex has always been tied to emotions for me so, instead of thinking with my heart, I am trying to consider the hunger of my pussy. I am a Cancer, it is my nature to be emotional, but I do not want my dearest pussy to be malnourished or fear starvation.

I think of myself as a ghetto courtesan. I will give it to you, gangsta, while appealing to each and every one of your senses with my sophistication.

Although I am open to the idea of casual sex what I am most looking for is a creative, classy woman like myself. If you can fuck my mind, you will find you have a greater chance of sticking your desires into my pants. Yes, this girl just wants to have fun, but I still have high standards.

Typically the queer world seems to take a broad definition of relationships and intimacy beyond the idea of monogamy but I know that when it comes down to it I’m a one-girl kind of lady-lover. I’m not judging the sexual freedom that seems to be the norm in the scene — I’m just aware that my desires don’t fit into that mould.

I have taken control by making myself feel good, loved and important without relying on lovers as my only porthole of salvation. I cherish my friends now more then ever and realize how very lucky I really am.

Yes, I do feel incomplete without her, whomever she maybe, but I mustn’t wait for fate to intervene. I must make an effort to take care of me in the meantime.

Let this be my call to action for the lesbians who are single, sophisticated, secure and still keeping faith in love. Come out and play. Put your inhibitions aside and enjoy the ride.