If you had to sum up yourself and your desires in less than 100 words, could you? Is it possible to compact all your hopes and dreams for love and sex and life into the language of the personal ad?
We asked six prominent queer Cyranos to write personal ads for people they know – and vice versa.
You can find out who’s who at the bottom of the page. And potential seducers please take note – an ad here shouldn’t necessarily be taken as a sign of availability…. but, hey, who knows?
BUTT-UGLY BUTT BEAUTIFUL
Me: Hot statuesque black-looking DQ top seeking hot sexy times with no strings attached.
You: Bottom with nice round bubble butt. ASSET beats face value, so even if you’re butt-ugly you can still apply. I have lots of brown paper bags that I can put over your head while we do the nasty. Verbal types a plus. Occasional spanking may be in order. Locations: Anywhere, mine, yours, in the car, in the Eaton Centre washrooms, the back alley, etc.
Sorry: Diva wannabes trying to steal my wigs and outfits need not apply.
SEITAN NOT THETAN
To keep up with this boy, you’ll need to be able to keep pace with the supastar lifestyle. Less about the T&A and more towards the alternative sides of life. A Will of many trades, you can catch him cycling around town between DJing, party promoting, hosting his art exhibitions and making the world a better place by supervising volunteers at the Lesbian Gay Bi Youth Line. He’s got style, he’s got earthy class and the beats to make you shake your ass. Big bonuses for guys who know what seitan is and knows what to do with it.
DECONSTRUCTION FETISHIST
Thirty-something Lebanese descent academic and poet: smart, sexy, trans girl seeking cute black gay man. He must like good food, Derrida, and can perform his poetics beyond the bedroom. A commitment to progressive politics is a plus and if he can also critique that politics a definite turn-on. He should be a professor type who enjoys mentoring of all kinds – from school to home. Please reply in the epistolary form with the coordinates for meeting at an upcoming activist event.
DELICIOUS DESI
Stylish, spiritual, sexy sister with killer cleavage seeks a soulful partner for long loving days and late naughty nights of dancing, debating and under-the-covers devotion. I am a multitasking, multilingual, radiant, renaissance woman: a tort tart by day and by night, a spinner of bhangra and Bollywood beats. My passions include social justice and finding the perfect shade of red lipstick. You are: sane, smart, well-read and able to keep up with my boundless creative energy. Drag queens are definitely welcome. Drama queens are definitely not. Those afraid of fierce, flamboyant females need not apply.
LITTLE ASIAN HOTTIE
Newly-crowned Baileys girl, I am a towering 5-10 and a slithering 34-28-36 pre-op transsexual. Some people think I am stunning and gorgeous but really I am just a little Asian flower from Malaysia, home to my family – the orangutan. But beware, I don’t cook, clean or work at a variety store, thank you. I do, however, love to shop. So I am on the prowl for any generous rich sponsors to pamper my overly padded tushy.
LIKE IT IN THE BACK
Well-dressed balding Chatty-Cathy chubette looking for something in pants and a red tie for meaningful but tenuous four or five-year term/relationship. Looks a must, hair only essential on head. Must enjoy listening, oral briefs, the legislative channel, the legislative cafeteria and be prepared to holiday only in Florida. Athletic supporter preferred… body-checking a weekend ritual. Knowledge of the use of deputy whips an asset. Skill in the back row a plus.
GOOD FOR THE JUMP-UP
Recently and generously endowed Canada Research Chair seeks sexual subjects (and/or objects) for discourse, drinks, dancing and debauch. Me: as bitchy as butch allows, a bit of trouble, and arrestingly charming. Excellent cook. Buff, beautiful, black, gay, male – though not so much with the identity politics. Smarter than you, and okay with that. You: slim, nasty and flexible. A bit of a pretty thing going on. Not my student. Thoughtful, edgy, hungry, self-sufficient. As at ease at the demo as at the bathhouse, as good for the jump-up as you are on your knees.
HUMBLE WINNER
Tall, handsome, with dark penetrating eyes. A Mediterranean Virgo. I am a single man with a recently discovered interest in tall custom boots (made by Nick’s). I can be found shaking my booty at Five (my home bar) on a regular basis and respond positively to being approached. With a newly-earned title, I am a leatherman looking for fun with new and elder leather folks, and am keen to develop personal relationships with the community members I represent. Eager to serve.
SHINE ME UP
Good things come in small packages!
Attractive, energetic yet soft-spoken and dreamy-eyed boi into shining boots, motorcycles, boots, leather, boots, and boots is looking for that perfect grrrl. I can show you how to do things with spit that you likely have never imagined. You should enjoy the outdoors, shining boots, motorcycle riding, boots and of course, boots.
I’M A GIVER
Box 1463. Mid-20s sassy professional former journalist but now applies his Bay St business know-how to the not-for-profit sector at the Lesbian Gay Bi Youth Line. This do-gooder works late. He loves to relax with his cats, chilling out to some smooth soulful R&B. When it comes to clubbing he can’t stand people who don’t share space on the dancefloor. If you spend more time at the mall than you do volunteering your time, keep on shopping.
BLONDE AMBITION
I’m a blend of Mae West, Barbara Walters and Noam Chomsky. I’m a bigger diva than Madonna will ever be. I’m every woman, it’s all in me, anything from A to Z. You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta be strong, you gotta be wiser. I’m soft, I’m sweet, I’m such a sexy treat, but also the kind you can take home to mama. Can you express yourself, get into the groove can you justify my love? I don’t want to be your mother or father, even though I’m a lover and a fighter. Make sure you got it together.
I want a super freak but not a tramp. No karma chameleons, please! Like a virgin, I know love will save the day, but I’m also a material girl who wants to get on the dancefloor. Excite me, entice me, warm me. Together, lets rock the boat, walk in the purple rain and paint this funky town pink.
DISCRETION ASSURED
Husky 40-something seeks artsy playmate for non-traditional good times. Must enjoy sunset views of construction cranes from condo balconies and consider Yonge and Dundas Toronto’s most attractive corner. Allergies to fresh cut grass, physical exercise and newborns a plus. Willingness to travel to the birthplace of tequila for siesta-prone R&R a must. Pet peeve: Drag queen politicians. Favourite expression: “Call my office. They deal with that type of problem.”
If you’ve always wanted to top off your sexual experiences with some good old-fashioned librarian discipline, please call Toronto City Hall.
* Butt-ugly Butt Beautiful was written for Sofanda by Misakiu (Miss Baileys) and Little Asian Hottie vice versa; Seitan Not Thetan written for DJ Will Munro by Youth Line ED Philip Wong and I’m A Giver vice versa; Deconstruction Fetishist written for writer Trish Salah by prof Rinaldo Walcott and Good For The Jump-up vice versa; Delicious Desi was written for DJ Zahra Dhanani by Rachel Giese and Blonde Ambition vice versa; Shine Me Up written for Kathyrn Hunter (boi joe and Toronto Bootblack title holder) by Paul Ciantar (Mr Leatherman Toronto 2003) and Humble Winner vice versa; Like It In The Back was written for Toronto Centre-Rosedale MPP George Smitherman by Toronto Centre-Rosedale City Councillor Kyle Rae and Descretion assured vice versa.
Photo credits: Sofanda and Trish Salah by Paula Wilson; Will Munro by Dean Tomlinson; Zahra Dhanani, Rinaldo Walcott and Kathryn Hunter by Joshua Meles; George Smitherman by Jeremy Maude; and Kyle Rae by Jan Becker
Why you can trust Xtra
