No Viagra jokes, please

“There’s nothing like a dirty old man.”

JR – an attractive, well-spoken 35-year-old gay man – is recounting how he became a dyed-in-the-wool gerontophile, a lover of older men. Much older men. We’re not talking daddy. We’re talking granddaddy.

Awash in adolescent hormones, JR began to cruise washrooms. During one of his lavatory excursions, he met a guy called Louie. Louie happened to be a Lou Grant look-a-like, right off the Mary Tyler Moore show. JR recalls, with fondness, that “he had a beautiful penis and gorgeous nipples.”

Louie was 54 and JR was still only 16. But for JR, it wasn’t merely a kinky fling.

“A switch went off in my head, telling me that my attraction to older men wasn’t just a phase I was going through. After that, sex with males my own age just wasn’t the same.”

JR doesn’t want to be identified in this story, partly because he is presently in a relationship and partly because of the stigma attached to intergenerational sex. But JR is not alone. Numerous times I’ve sat with gym bunny-type friends who, after a few drinks, will point out a much, much older guy and declare “I’ve done him.”

Older men, too, are on the way to proving that there may be snow on the roof, but there’s still fire in the furnace. Coming from a seriously closeted, pre-Stonewall era, countless guys embrace old age and retirement as a time of life that allows them to indulge their urges.

The Retirement Home For Old Men isn’t your typical residence for the elderly. Located at www.oldmen.com, this is a website that showcases the older man who is proud of his pecker. Highlighting men between 50 and 90, the website features pictures of, and stories by, older men who love masturbation.

Over at www.wankers.com, men over 50 also strut their stuff, share information about masturbation and express their concerns about the impact age has on their sexuality. Viagra is a topic that comes up a lot. What’s interesting is the emphasis on jerking off. Like young studs in porno mags, they’re displaying their sexuality, but remain untouchable. Or is there a hidden element of performance anxiety here that might come with an older body?

In itself, exhibitionist seniors may not be that unusual, considering the quirks of the Internet. However, the fact that many of the sites’ testimonials come from much younger men, is.

“I’m interested in old men and their big saggy balls and cocks,” writes a 32-year-old wankers.com member. “[I’m] straight, but love to eat cum and dream about old men jerking off in front of my open awaiting mouth. The older the better.”

A 29-year-old writes about “how turned on I get by having anyone over 60 watch me beat my cock.”

One post is translated from Spanish. “I am 43 years old and live in Argentina. I have masturbated since I was 11, and in fact, still do so each day. Since I have found your site, I sometimes do it twice a day. I would like to ask two favours. Since I was a kid, I have been interested in old men’s sexual activities. I am turned on by pictures of naked 65+ males, but they are not easy to purchase.”

In gay culture, relationships that bridge gaps of 20 years or so don’t raise many eyebrows. Personal ads by adult men for daddy-son relationships are not uncommon within the community. But when a man’s sexual interest goes above age of 50, it seems strange.

JR is often given a hard time over his sexual interest in older men. His peers reacted with the derision typical of what JR calls “self-absorbed youth.” They make a connection between gerontophilia and poor self esteem.

“‘Why,’ they would say, ‘are you sleeping with these old fuckers? You should think more of yourself.'”

There is an assumption here that JR can’t get when the rest of them want. But JR doesn’t appear interested in rosy-cheeked paramours. In fact, he insists there’s a plus side to his friend’s dismissal of his sexual lifestyle.

“At least I don’t have to worry about my friends hitting on any of my dates,” he says.

JR has also realized he has a particular interest in men of girth. Talking about one sexual adventure with a 400-pound man dressed as Santa Claus, he is quick to answer, “We had a great time!”

My conversation with JR leads to the inevitable. Raising the daddy issue, he tells me that he hates pigeon-holing. But, he used to – and still does – have a fantasy of living with an older man. JR would have a typical teenage boy’s bedroom, hockey posters and all, and daddy would visit him whenever he was horny.

This fits in a little more neatly with work that’s been done on the subject of intergenerational sex. The man-boy, mentor-apprentice, father-son dynamic has been discussed since Greek times. But the really young man interested in the seriously old guy has, so far as I can tell, been ignored by academics.

Theo Sandfort, a professor at the University Of Utrecht in the Netherland, has written extensively on intergenerational sex – but his focus has been on relationships between men aged 20-40ish and youth. Though he is one of the rare academics who has even mentioned the word gerontophile (he writes in a 1987 paper “the need for tenderness from an older male is not necessarily an expression of homosexuality, the boys are not ‘gerontophiles”), he says he has “nothing of relevance” to say on gerontophilia.

Despite his reoccurring daddy fantasy, JR’s real interest remains in granddaddies. He doesn’t lose sleep over his thing for seniors. However, one experience reminded him of how complex sexuality can be.

JR met a man called Jerry, around 60, “with a nice, big belly.” In the middle of having sex, the older fellow admitted that the reason he found JR so appealing was that he reminded him of his own son. Jerry had never acted on his desire for his son, proudly adding that his son was a “fine young man.”

Outside this Freudian realm, JR emphasizes that one of the most appealing things about older guys is that “they come from a different generation – one where being a good host and making other people comfortable was an important part of social interaction.

“When you visit an old guy, there’s more history in their places. They’ve been around longer and their environment reflects that.”

Asked who his ultimate dream date would be, JR doesn’t miss a beat. He tells me that it would have to be Wilford Brimley, from Cocoon and Cocoon: The Return (he’s also the man with the walrus moustache in the Quaker Oats commercial). Brimley is around 70 with the sort of broad, strong face that really gets JR going.

Ever since Zeus snatched up Ganymede, installing him as his personal bartender, older men have salivated over younger ones. But it seems the drool can flow both ways.