Gay porn’s new year’s resolutions

Assuming the world didn’t actually end and our planet wasn’t destroyed by Quetzalcoatl or whoever the fuck the Mayans believed in, we’re going to see the year 2013. Huzzah! Congratulations on making it through another year without dying, everyone! So in the spirit of the new year, I came up with a few resolutions for the gay porn world to help make this year a good one.

#1: More original ideas

Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t mind porn parodies. I think putting one together every now and then is a fun little exercise in levity, although I find an over-reliance on them eventually makes it seem like you’re just riding the coattails of others while putting in the minimum effort possible. So I was happy that most of the biggest releases of the year, including Lucas Entertainment’s Awake and Falcon/Raging Stallion Studios’ The Woods, were original-concept, well-executed narratives. So yes, 2013 needs more pornographers creating original works and new ideas.

#2: A Little respect for deceased stars

This year saw the loss of Erik Rhodes, Roman Ragazzi and Josh Weston. It unfortunately also saw internet commenters come out from under their bridges to leave such heartwarming comments as “Stupid whore got what he deserved LOLZ.” Look, I get that internet anonymity encourages you to act like a smarmy, self-righteous douche and that every social interaction you’ve ever had has ended with a face full of the piquant bouquet of pepper spray, but don’t. Really, just don’t. If your first reaction to someone’s untimely death is to scream, “I told you so!” you are not a good human being.

#3: Topher DiMaggio, whatever you are doing to your eyebrows, please stop doing that thing to your eyebrows.

Thanks!

#4: Stop making fetish movies using non-fetish performers

One of the biggest criticisms directed at Fifty Shades of Grey by the kink community — aside from the fact that it was unreadable drivel – was that it was written by someone who clearly knew little to nothing about BDSM play, and because of this, the book read like a manual of what not to do during play. Same thing goes for fetish movies: if you have a performer who has no idea what they’re doing, it shows. So please, save kink for those who actually know what they’re doing.

#5: Keep porn fun

Is porn first and foremost a profession? Of course it is. But the point of porn isn’t to surgically emulate real sex in its most palatable form; it’s to make your audience actually feel something. Actual physical arousal is better than Pavlovian boners, and the best way to get that reaction out of your audience is to get models who actually like each other and like what they’re doing, then film what comes naturally to them. Porn still needs a little human warmth to keep it in the sweet spot between realism and fantasy.