You can stop with the Chuck Norris jokes now

There was this weird resurgence of Chuck Norris jokes a couple years ago, and to be honest? Not a single one of them was funny. Maybe it has to do with the fact that Chuck Norris looks like a battered baseball glove covered in pubes, but I just didn’t get the hype. But that’s probably because my parents didn’t make moonshine in the bathtub. Who knows?

If that seems cruel, well, who cares? I’m mean and bitchy to everyone. But tonight I’m focusing my pinpoint hatred on Norris because of an article he wrote for — and I shit you not, this is the name of the site — ammoland.com. You couldn’t put together a more white-trash url if you bought jesusandfreedomandapplepie.com/FUCKINMURIKAH.

Anyway, the article (which I won’t link to directly because seriously, it’s crap) talks about how the current push to make the Boy Scouts of America accept gay kids and gay troop leaders is just a shadowy conspiracy by Obama to brainwash kids everywhere. You know, because Jerry Sandusky and all those Catholic priests were out and proud ‘mos. Also, there’s something about Russia because in case you haven’t noticed, Chuck Norris’s brain hasn’t changed since the ‘80s.

In the spirit of updating Chuck Norris to the current era, and also because I refuse to validate his crazy with an opinion, here are a bunch of actual Chuck Norris jokes updated for the modern day. Because Chuck Norris actually hates Chuck Norris jokes. Weird, huh? The original punchlines will still be in the joke for the sake of clarity, but they’ll be crossed out and replaced with better jokes.

• There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives. much like Chuck Norris, it was broken, shitty and riddled with bacteria.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it because you can’t flush your own mouth.
• Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him. That would require a heart.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. He pokes them with a stick while wondering how the “word sandwich” works.
• Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet. Oh, wait, never mind. That was just his career.