I used to work at the hipster starter kit known as UO back in the day, so I am fully qualified to say that it’s even more of a hell-hole than working for Rosie O’Donnell. Everyone who works there says “hella” a lot, they pay minimum wage, give you a shitty discount and like to torture their employees with “perfect closes,” which means you stay till midnight folding the entire fucking store with a folding board. If you don’t know what that is, LUCKY YOU. Oh yeah, and they ruin otherwise good music by playing it repeatedly like no other music exists. I still can’t listen to Beach House without wanting to kill myself.

They also suck because co-founder and chairman Richard Hayne is a homophobic douchebag who regularly supports anti-gay legislation and GOP candidates who vote against gay rights. I’m sure they fired me because I’m gay, and it had nothing to do with the fact that I spent most of my shifts in the dressing room trying on clothes. And by trying on, I mean putting on under the clothes I was already wearing. It’s not stealing if you didn’t shove it in a purse, okay?!

Now the chain is under fire for a greeting card sold on their website that some are calling transphobic. Listen, I normally take any and every opportunity to bash these fuckers, but am I missing something? I thought the card was kind of cute. I’m not sure what’s so offensive about it. But you be the judge:

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

So Jack could see Jill’s fanny.

But Jack got a shock,

And an eyeful of cock,

Because Jill was a closet tranny.