Hoe. Lee. She. It. Seriously, did you see the fuckery that went down yesterday? Because if you haven’t, expect massive spoilers ahead. This week, the queens are hooked up to a lie detector and paired up with their frenemies to perform a cabaret duet. Let’s take a look at the shit that worked and the shat that SHOCKED!
The girls enter the workroom again with another rousing rendition of that Drag Race choir staple, “Jesus is a biscuit! Let him sop you up!” And oh look, Jiggly Caliente left a lipstick message on her mirror! As the girl who sent her plus-sized packing, Willam gets in one last pointed barb at Jiggly, saying that at least she got her makeup on the mirror and not on her teeth for once. As you can see, Willam’s sizable ego hasn’t been deflated a single bit by her bottom-two showing last week. Foreshadowing . . .
But ooh, girl! You got SheMail! For the first time ever, RuPaul has to share her SheMail space . . . with herself. The two Rus talk about frenemies while putting each other/themselves down, before boy Ru comes in and announces the mini-challenge. Or more specifically, the lack thereof. Instead of competing for an advantage this week, the queens will be hooked up to a polygraph test and will have the T squeezed out of them. The results are hilarious. Turns out, a lot of the queens want to make sex on Latrice Royale, Dida Ritz talked some shit about Chad Michaels, and That Bitch Phi Phi is a total bitch.
Using the results, the queens are paired with the girl they have the least in common with. Levelheaded and understated Latrice is paired with big-headed and loudmouthed Willam; relatively inexperienced and casual Dida is hooked up with polished and professional Chad; and Party City Sharon Needles has to work with her mortal foe, tired-ass showgirl That Bitch Phi Phi. The rivals are then tasked with putting together a duet as fabulous frenemies, à la Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.
Needless to say, Sharon and That Bitch Phi Phi aren’t exactly a cohesive unit. That Bitch Phi Phi thinks she’s a singer and decided she wants to do her number in some sort of dying opera screech, while Sharon wants to go screamo on the bitch. Obviously, both ideas are quickly nixed. Latrice and Willam are working well together for the most part, although That Bitch Phi Phi tries to get Latrice to throw the competition, since she knows that Latrice would send Willam home in a lip-sync. Chad and Dida, however, are definitely a surprise, in that the two spend a surprising amount of time throwing shade at each other. Part of it might just be good editing, but they are exchanging some serious slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and it’s . . . entertaining, actually.
I’ll spare you the rehearsal portion of the show, mostly because the entire thing was one large comedy of errors. And shrieking. So much shrieking.
The next day in the workroom, we have somehow gone through the looking glass into some sort of upside-down fantasy land, where Sharon and That Bitch Phi Phi are actually getting along, but Willam is quiet and sedated. Craziness! The rest of the queens can tell that something is up with Willam, because — and I hate to say this — she kind of looks like hell. More foreshadowing! Ooooooh, what naughty caprice shall we get into today?
On to the main stage! I have no fucking clue what RuPaul is wearing tonight, but it looks like something that would come out of Season @’s Gone with the Window challenge, and I’m not digging it. The judges this week are Michelle Visage, Lucian Piane, Pamela Anderson and Jennifer Tilly.
First up are Willam and Latrice, who come out in pink dresses carrying furry, southern-belle parasols. They mostly eschew the singing in favour of slapstick comedy, particularly one spectacularly timed pratfall from Willam as Latrice throws what looks like ribbon under her feet. Next up are Sharon and Latrice, who are dressed up as a showgirl devil and angel, respectively. The timing is off and they’re both wading through the knee-deep tension, so the whole thing just falls apart. Dida and Chad finish the show wearing matching cocktail dresses with tulle-accented shoulders. Dida’s shaking like a Chihuahua, but their catty clothes-ripping delivers in the end.
Now, I don’t usually do this, but just this once, I’m going to recap the “untucked” portion of the show, too, folding it in here for the sake of continuity. As the judges make their decision, the girls retire backstage for drinks. Sharon, Chad and Latrice gather in the interior illusions lounge, where Sharon has a breakdown since she knows she’s going to have to lip-sync. Chad and Latrice console her, and it’s really just nice to see the most mature queens having a tender moment together.
Meanwhile, the younger queens, Dida, Willam and That Bitch Phi Phi, are in the gold lounge, where That Bitch Phi Phi goes absolutely apoplectic on Willam, screaming that Willam only buys all her looks and that she broke a couple rules and — wait, what?
Yes, Willam apparently broke a rule, and everyone knows about it. The queens know, the producers know, the judges know . . . There’s a storm brewin’, folks, and it’s only going to get worse before it gets better.
Back on the main stage, Latrice and Willam are declared the winners, and the bottom two are —
Oh, wait, Willam just barfed all over the stage. Uh oh. That just happened.
Anyway, once the puke has been mopped up, Sharon and That Bitch Phi Phi are announced as the bottom two and have to lip-sync to Martha Wash and RuPaul’s “It’s Raining Men . . . The Sequel.” Sharon finally proves herself as a fierce lip-syncher, connecting to both the song and the audience, showing off some tight dance moves and generally holding herself together. That Bitch Phi Phi, meanwhile, has taken a page out of Milan’s playbook, taking off her heels before starting and launching her wig off halfway through the song after it starts falling off her head. I’d like to formally rescind my comment last week that TBPP could win if she developed a sense of humour. Because she can’t. She has no wit, and she can’t lip-sync. Her performance is painful to watch, and it becomes clear that That Bitch Phi Phi is going home.
And here comes the twist.
Willam is called up onstage, and RuPaul delivers the shocking blow: the producers of the show discovered that Willam broke an unspecified rule during the competition, and because of this, she’s been disqualified. The other contestants are shocked, SHOCKED, I SAY! Willam, meanwhile, takes the whole thing in stride, smiling as she packs up her bags and rubs her ass on the mirror.
So what happened, you might be wondering? What rule did she break? Is this all an act? How long has everyone known about this? No clue. Right now, rumours are swirling, and people are guessing everything from drugs to information leaks to vaginas. Everything will be revealed in the reunion special, but for now, we must bid adieu to Willam. It’s always five o’clock somewhere, sweetheart.
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