Rob Ford vs Hulk Hogan: The battle that no one wins

Earlier today, Rob Ford took on Hulk Hogan in an arm-wrestling match for Toronto’s Fan Expo. Take a minute to let that sink in. Arm wrestling. Hulk Hogan. Earlier today.

It’s like shining, sparkling, neon failure, isn’t it?

Here’s the worst part about all of this: Ford, a man who probably doesn’t do that much heavy lifting, somehow managed to beat Hulk Hogan. Ford legitimately beat him. Because it’s not like wrestlers would ever throw a match for the sake of a story arc, right? Exactly. (Via NOW magazine . . . )

“Find out who will have reason to cheer,” went Fan Expo’s awkwardly worded Media Alert, “Hulkamaniacs or Ford Nation?” We’re pretty sure a Venn diagram that traces the intersection of Hulkamaniacs and Ford Nation would just be two totally overlapping circles, but hey, it’s all in good fun.

The extra-tomato-faced Mayor Ford bested the 60 year-old Mr. Nanny star. “It was a setup!” Hogan exclaimed. Who says pro wrestling is fake? Moreover, who says Rob Ford’s entire existence isn’t just a carefully constructed Peter Pan narrative designed to shelter him in a bubble of self-assuring lies and mounting micro-illusions? Oh god, this town.

Once again, Rob Ford proves that he secretly lives in a Chris Farley movie. Not a good one, though; one from the late ’90s, before he passed away.

What the hell happened to us? We used to be cool. Now we’re all getting food poisoning from cronut burgers and our mayor is challenging an over-the-hill wrestler from the ’80s to an arm-wrestling match like your drunk uncles during Christmas. Dammit, we’re supposed to be better than this! Even Florida is above this, and they’re America’s wang. Let’s get our shit together!

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