MVP’s puck sluts

“The thing about me,” says Kent Staines, writer and cocreator of CBC’s new series MVP: The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives, “is I know nothing about hockey. Nothing. Zero.”

Staines has given the sport a much-needed injection of gay. With a dash of Dynasty, a dab of Desperate Housewives and a smattering of Gretzky, MVP is as unexpected as a wet dream and almost as good.

I wasn’t always a puck slut but the Mustangs are hot! Presumably named after the Falcon Studios offshoot, this hockey team is unlike any you’ve ever seen (primarily because they’re never on the ice).

Staines calls it a “manbuffet” because “there’s something for everybody.” The delectable hunky leads are seen almost exclusively between costumes and especially in the locker rooms where they’re all exceptional and beautiful and butchy. For minutes at a time the playful antics of an old A&F underwear catalogue come to life each and every show. It’s primetime and paid for by tax dollars.

If you don’t delight in the male (nearly) nude, you can always go back to objectifying the female form with any one of the cast’s buxom babes. In a recent episode a Playboy-style bordello-reception awaits the Mustangs while on tour. While I’d like to talk about the hockey bunnies’ chocolate centres, apparently what happens on the road stays on the road. Or so the rookie, played by Dillon Casey, learned during an away game.

The cast of MVP are all beautiful and all can act. Good thing because Staines’ characters are the product of a highly evolved pop culture awareness.

One particular story arc involves a mother and daughter duo, not terribly unlike a Joan Crawford movie that won its star (also in shoulder pads) an Oscar. “Molly and Evelyn are based on Mildred Pierce,” says Staines. “The long-suffering woman and her bitchy daughter.”

Staines (Prom Queen: The Marc Hall Story) honed his Peyton Place sensibilities back in the 1980s playing the lead in Sky Gilbert melodramas like Drag Queens on Trial, a huge hit for Buddies in Bad Times Theatre. MVP continues that tradition with hysterical story arcs, obsessive and crazy leading ladies and enough intrigue to drive James M Cain to drink — more.

With strong production values, MVP is the all-star player from CBC’s recent new properties — something fresh from the grand old lady. So if you’re sick of watching the Leafs embarrass themselves why not hop into a different kind of hockey box and give MVP a try? It’s hilarious fare and might keep you a little hotter on these cold nights.