I don’t do good deeds very often because they always backfire. Or, well, the only good deed I ever did backfired. It was in the 10th grade. There was this weird girl who would sit in the hallway reading books and crying. She was very peculiar, and because I love books (unlike my stoner friends, I didn’t just use books to role joints on), I thought she was kind of fabulous. In a she-should-probably-be-locked-up kind of way.
My friends would always make jokes about her. Never to her face, although I’m sure some people did. I mean, she just sat there all the time in all her grease-stained horse-shirt glory, with stringy hair, bad skin and glasses, CRYING while reading, like, The Vampire Diaries or some shit.
Anyway, long story short, I decided I was going to get some good karma and bring the girl a book. Just so that she would know she wasn’t alone. Book nerds unite! I brought her my copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, because it was one of my favourite books, and I thought she might be able to, oh, I don’t know, identify. I went up to her and said, “Hey, I’ve seen you reading a lot, and I thought maybe if you wanted a book, you might like this one.” I held it in front of her, but when she looked up from the book she was reading, it was just to give me a dirty look. Then she looked back at the page and started muttering something inaudible under her breath. I was totally uncomfortable, so I just sort of put the book next to her and walked away. Unfortunately, I don’t think Stephen Chbosky does it for her. She didn’t break down crying or anything, which you might expect because it was kind of her thing. But her face turned various shades of purple, and she huffed so much a little snot shot out of her nose.
Then she threw the book at my back.
So, my point is, I blame that bitch for making me a cold-hearted cunt . . .
Luckily, not all good deeds are so unsuccessful — take mechanic stud Richard Henegar, who, after finding out about Radford University student Jordan Addison’s bullying (and its effect on his car) stepped in to make a really shitty experience totally beautiful.
Addison’s car was keyed with the words “fag” and “die.” His tires were slashed, and his car was smashed with a baseball bat. This all occurred while he was away during spring break, visiting his aunt and uncle — who, by the way, came out of retirement to help pay for his education.
After finding out about the vandalism, Henegar contacted Addison and told him to bring his car to his mechanic shop. Addison had no idea that Henegar and his team were going to put $10,000 worth of repairs into the car, including a new sound system, tinted windows and a fresh paint job.
The heroic duo united on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, helping restore faith in humanity everywhere:
PS: If you’re wondering, the weird crying-into-her-book girl got really popular by the 12th grade. It was totally bizarre. She got rid of the shirts with animals on them, stopped crying, started washing her hair and threw on some makeup. Before she knew it, she was a big hockey slut and everyone wanted her to sign their yearbook. Or do lines off it . . .
See! Happy endings do exist.
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