Hurrah for Canadian porn!

Warning: the follow column deals with (mostly) heterosexual sex.

Canadian author and icon Pierre Berton once described a Canadian as someone who knows how to make love in a canoe. Recently, the CRTC took this belief one step further with a ruling that allows for the creation of Northern Peaks, an all-porn channel based in Calgary. Now, a Canadian can be defined as someone who has sex in a canoe and films it.

This new channel will feature 50 percent Canadian content — 50 percent straight Canadian content. That’s a lot of beaver.

Anyhow, Catholic bishops have been freaking out and writing letters in newspapers all over the country about how pornography degrades our moral fabric. Quite frankly, I’d rather see Canadians making money from ejaculating penises than exporting loaded guns to war-torn regions. But that’s another column all together.

What in the hell is Canadian porn? Do our bodily fluids taste like maple? Do we apologize to our partners each time we bump into each other as we fuck? Instead of “Yes! Yes! Yes!” do we say “Please! Please! Please!”?

Is our version of fetish porn two people fucking while one wears a Maple Leafs jersey and the other one a Canadiens’? If 50 percent content means that one of the performers is Canadian, what would they do in a threesome? Does this mean that viewers will be assaulted with American porn stars with already questionable acting skills trying to pass as Canadians by saying “eh” all the time?

Note to American starlets: a double double is for your coffee; it doesn’t involve four cocks.

This seems so 1990s to me as gay producers have been making porn in Canada for years. If folks want to watch it (and by the amount of money Canadians spend on porn every year, there’s no question folks want to watch it) what’s the big deal about having some of it homemade? Everybody knows that homemade cookies are the best.

In the spirit of the aforementioned Canadian content and in hopes of injecting a little homo into the mix, I offer the Northern Peaks producers the following scenarios for them to consider:

• A curling orgy called Hurry Hard;
• An amateur hour where people send in clips of themselves masturbating to CBC Radio;
• Scenes of men ejaculating outside, where cum freezes before it hits the ground;
• Find a way to get your hands on the Hockey Night in Canada theme song and use it as the score for every porno you produce;
• Film people having sex in Stephen Harper’s riding;
• Putang and Poutine;
• Leave it to Beaver: The Canadian Lesbian Hour;
• Lapsed Catholicks;
 
• Okanagan Cherry Hour;
• Tim Naughty-Bits.

Bravo to the CRTC for letting Canadians suck it, lick it and stick it in. It’s a fine start.