Twatter: June party roundup

It was one hell of a month. By the time you read this Pride will be deader than Michael Jackson, NXNE and MMVAs decimated. Does it even make sense to do a June roundup or have you heard everything already?

The battles of the water parties, the garbage fiasco, LCBO-gate plus lootings like it’s alcoholic Y2K not to mention gay bloggers gaybashing rappers! If I didn’t know better I’d say it’s the end of the world… @Houston, we have a problem, @911 I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

It used to be that all the drama of June surfaced in July, but in the last year, literally, we have built a Big Gay Brother, an international consciousness that sees all and knows all. The NXNE/MMVAs/Pride triathlon made Big Gay Brother into a big ol’ tranny mess. Now girlfriend has locked herself in her Church and Maitland basement apartment, Twittering in a sea of empty beer bottles, Buckley’s and condom wrappers, not only because of the garbage strike but because she stocked up on all this booze and has no place to put it other than her belly.

How did this all happen? Well let’s take it from the top. MMVAs. This year if you were gay, alive and not under a rock, you were probably celebrating Pride early for this one. Seriously, the MMVAs were pre-Pride. For performers we had a robotic transsexual moon diva whose tits were literally on fire, an underage Portuguese boy band and even a methvestite bingo caller with a bladder problem (see our MMVAs pics). If I were to make a list of everything I wanted to experience before I die, it would include all of the above. Plus a camera falling on Leah Miller. If MuchMusic replaced her with a cardboard cutout nobody would notice or care. Also it would be much more recession friendly.

That’s a better idea than cutting back the legendary party held in the former CHUM building. The only scenester I know who was invited is former Xtra scene writer and gay publicist extraordinaire Dan Lavoie. I hear that Dan’s neighbour is none other than gay publicist extraordinaire Michael Ianni (of Daniel Paquette Public Relations) and of all things their bedroom windows face each other. That brings a whole new meaning to the expression, “That’s bad PR.” Absent from the building party was pretty much everyone, even Rolyn Chambers didn’t go. As Judge Judy says, “That’s baloney. It doesn’t make sense!”

Everyone realized the MMVAs building party was lame anyway; the afterparties were bigger and better. That night Big Gay Brother was out in full force.

Perez Hilton was at Uniq Lifestyle’s new venue Cobra (510 King St W) for the Universal afterparty. Lady Gaga was hosting and DJ Matt Medley on the decks. I was blocks away hosting at Trash Palace (M Lounge), trying to figure out which “little person” in the booth next to me was Tila Tequila, whose Twitter coincidentally broke the news about an apparent shooting at the Century Room (580 King St W) later in the night.

Perez left Cobra and was allegedly punched by will.i.am’s manager, taking to Twitter instantly, like I mean, while he’s on the ground! Within seconds I was getting texts from doorgirls and friends at the party who saw it. Everything happened within a couple minutes, and boom, the whole world knew, even me down the street. It definitely didn’t take till morning for the city to be buzzing.

A score of 4am last calls later we arrived at NXNE… and were hungover wearing last night’s clothes with beer on our breath. The extra week of partying until sunrise meant me and thousands of hipster gays were left with permanent brain damage from drinking enough Bambino and Grey Goose to wipe out a village. Nevertheless NXNE highlights were a-plenty. Wrongbar (1279 Queen St W) took the cake big time. Mat and Kim were the toast of the town and then they did it again with electro supergroup Fake Blood. On a gayer side of things Patrick Wolf at Mod Club (722 College St) was a blast as well. Wolf is an innovator right down to the way he talks and what he wears. Although like most innovators he has his diva moments. This time I was witness to the whole damn thing. He walked off stage at one point because of the sound after singing in the middle of a song that, “Toronto has the worst monitors in the world.”

Pride dramas will have to wait but rest assured that Big Gay Brother is always watching. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to care when you call rappers faggots and insult her people. In fact she’s going to let everyone know how much of a mess you were. In 200 characters or less.