Dances with gays

There are no “straight” men in gay porn. Granted, there are men who identify as straight, and there are plenty – if not way too many – gay for payers, but who are we kidding? The distinction between bending over for a few hundred bucks and bending over for a nine-inch cock is tenuous at best.

For the record, I have absolutely no problem with gay-for-pay performers; I have a problem with shitty ones. (If they happen to fall in the middle of that particular Venn diagram, then fuck ’em.) And I also don’t have a problem with performers who identify as straight in their personal lives. Honestly, they can identify as magical buttfuck dolphins for all I care, as long as they actually bring it in their performance.

What a performer is not supposed to bring on set is his goddamn baggage. There’s nothing more exhausting than a “straight” guy working through his own sexual insecurities instead of, you know, doing his job. Porn is already a weirdly crazy work environment – If you’ve never seen a small army of people running around a set trying to find the most cinematic way to film a dick entering a butthole, it is magically insane. When a performer adds his own crazy to the mix it helps no one.

Look, everyone has their weird little insecurities. Maybe you think your stomach is a little poochy or your arms are skinny or you think your feet look like those of a velociraptor. It’s human nature. That being said, we don’t indulge these insecurities. As far as I can tell, a scene has never been filmed from the ankle up for the sake of hiding a pair of velociraptor feet. And yet there’s this weird porn trend of not only indulging straight insecurities, but celebrating them.

Seriously, do you know how many gay porn sites breathlessly fawn over straight guys who deign to go gay? It’s like Dances with Wolves, if Kevin Costner had gay sex – and also if that movie wasn’t ball-garglingly terrible.

I’m not saying guys who are *cough cough* “straight” can’t do gay porn. I mean for shit’s sake, we let Chris Crocker do it. That kind of shame cannot be washed off. But we need more guys like Christian Wilde: he’s hot, he performs well, and despite being a “straight” guy, he’s confident enough in his sexuality that he doesn’t need to compensate for it. Also: huge schlong. Really cannot stress that part enough.

If you’re uncomfortable or uncertain about your sexuality, don’t make sex your job. A porn set is not the venue to work through psychosexual frustrations. You suck, you rim, you fuck, you take a shower, and then you go cash your cheque. It really isn’t that hard. Porn acting is about as threatening to your sexuality as a baby seal. If you can’t stow your own personal hang-ups and neuroses long enough to polish off a scene, you may want to consider a career change.