Well, here we are: the last day of 2012. Or, more specifically, the last . . . what is it, four hours of the year? Cheesus, the year went by fast. Weird.
Sure, this wasn’t the outright best year, but it’s not like it was the worst either. We made more baby steps toward a better world, some great art was released, and Pizza Hut finally perfected the technique of putting a slightly smaller pizza inside a slightly larger pizza — truly, the epitome of man’s quest to put shit into cooked crust and cheese.
Farewell, 2012. We had our moments, as listed below, but mostly we’ll remember you as the year when a lot of white people thought that the Mayans thought the world would end, and then it didn’t. Fucking cocktease.
Best Movie
The Cabin in the Woods
Yes, I’m sure you could put any Oscar-baiting December release here and it would be acceptable, but The Cabin in the Woods is the only movie that came out this year that absolutely anyone can appreciate, and yet you can’t explain the plot to anyone without completely ruining it. The movie is so intricately woven, post-modern and deftly written, that revealing even the smallest piece of the plot would ruin the surprise, like yanking out a piece of a rickety Jenga puzzle. Just watch it (especially if you want to see someone get murdered by a unicorn).
Runners-up: ParaNorman, The Avengers, Moonrise Kingdom
Best TV Series
Parks and Recreation
I seriously debated putting 30 Rock in the top spot, if only because its victory lap of a final season has so far been stellar, but then Parks and Recreation came out with “Halloween Surprise,” and just . . . good sweet god, there will never be as sublime a moment of television as when Leslie (Amy Poehler) is proposed to in her dream home. Some other close contenders: RuPaul’s Drag Race’s stellar fourth season and Key & Peele, if only for their deliciously dark LMFAO satire.
Runners-up: 30 Rock, RuPaul’s Drag Race, Key & Peele
Best Album
Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange
Usually when people talk about Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange, a lot of the focus is on what the album means rather than the album itself. Yes, it was marked by Frank’s coming out, and it was one of the first outings by an openly gay R&B artist in a field that isn’t all that gay-friendly, but none of that would matter if Channel Orange wasn’t a really good album to begin with.
Runners-up: Fiona Apple’s The Idler Wheel…, Jessie Ware’s Devotion, Sleigh Bells’ Reign of Terror
Hottest Guy
Joe Manganiello
Yes, the star of Magic Mike was Channing Tatum, but let’s face it: everyone wanted to jump on Joe Manganiello’s Big Dick Richie. I mean . . . fuck. FUCK.
Runners-up: Brendon Ayanbadejo, Matt Bomer, Chris Kluwe
Hottest Woman
Jennifer Lawrence
The perfect balance of cute and bombshell, with a quirky personality, a pretty stellar resumé and a candidly refreshing sense of humour.
Runners-up: Emma Stone, Mila Kunis, Zoe Saldana
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